The Dreaded Cruise, Part Two

We’re BACK! We survived it. Five horrible days and nights of floating misery.  And now I want to share it with YOU!

If you’ve been on a cruise and hated it, you will be able to sing along with the chorus. If you’ve been on a cruise and loved it, you will think I’m making this up. If you’ve NEVER been on a cruise, and don’t want to go, this will cement that decision for you. But, if you’ve never been and WANT to… well, maybe you should stop reading now. It’s not my place to ruin anything for anyone, and I do realize that some people just LOVE THIS SHIT. I’m not one of them. Mr Tater is not one of them. We are unanimous on that.

I don’t want to bore everyone with EVERY hideous detail, I’ll try to keep it to just the highlights. Err, low lights.

First of all there was The Great Big Lie at the airport – where the convenient Cruise Check-In Desk is available for MY convenience. Tucked behind a big fat pole. In a corner.  Now, help me out here, maybe I just misunderstood, but I don’t think so. I think it was a Great Big Lie.

Great Big Liar: Do you want to purchase transportation through us from the airport to the port?

Innocent Travelers: Yes, yes we do. For both of us, round trip. How much will that cost?

GBL: $16.

IT: Wow, that’s extremely reasonable. <brows wrinkling in confusion as GBL writes down $64>

That’s right, she KNEW we meant 2 people, she KNEW we meant round trip, but she quoted us the PER PERSON, ONE WAY price anyway. Bitch.

Then we arrived at our charmingly appointed stateroom. Which was not spacious, but was doable, for 2 people who REALLY like each other. Which Mr Tater and I do. But still, it was crampy and a bit stuffy, so once we got our clothes put away, and luggage stowed… let’s get out and have some FUN on the Fun Ship! Uh-huh. Let’s see -what will we do first?

1. Sit on our balcony and watch the ocean flow by? Umm… no. There was a family of FIVE living next door to us. That’s right, three small children who should have been in school?!?! “MOMMY!!! Clarinda threw her chocolates in the ocean!” {Names have been changed so we don’t get tracked down and sued} “DADDY!!! Alphonse isn’t wearing any underpants!” “MOMMY!!!” “DADDY!!!” “MOMMY!!!” “DADDY!!!”

2. Try to squeeze into the pool? Umm… no. Why do they make two-piece bathing suits in sizes larger than 50? Seriously, in situ, it didn’t look like a whole lot of stretchy pink polyester between the great swath of looping-down Dali-esque melting belly and the bunched up clumps of MORE belly coyly peeking out from each of those way-too-high-cut legholes. But once you got it all in perspective, you realized that was probably 3-4 yards of fabric in there. And there needed to be a LOT MORE. We will never be able to unsee that.

3. How about something to eat? Umm… no. Why is that shirtless old man with the VERY hairy belly standing so close to the dessert bar, shedding his silvery old man skin-flakes onto the red velvet cupcakes? And why are none of the staff stopping him?

4. Just walk around the ship and look at stuff? Umm… no. BOOM chik BOOM chik BOOM chik – did I mention the nonstop party people music everywhere we went?

Anyway – I can’t talk about it anymore. It’s giving me Post Cruise Stress Disorder. The good news is, it finally ended, and we’re back home and we will NEVER GO ON ANOTHER CRUISE AGAIN.

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