Off On A Fabulous Birthday Vacation, Part 3

First stop on my birthday pub crawl, the Pride of Paddington. Not because it’s so very wonderful, but because it’s right there practically outside the front door of the Hilton.


As we approached, I noticed a chap standing outside the front door, kind of leaning on the corner of a decorative barrel. That’s all I noticed, but as we passed by him, eagle-eyed Mr Tater said “couldn’t wait for the loo?”


“That guy was pissing on the wall.”

By then we were inside and I wasn’t going back outside, but no need, I could see him (head and shoulders anyway) through the window and sure enough, I could tell by his posture that he was, indeed, ‘having a slash’.  Nice.

We got our halfs (halves?) of Pride of Paddington (me) and John Smith’s (Mr) {yes, halfs, we’re starting slow, jet lag, long night ahead of us, etc.} and went out to the tables which meant we had to pass the pisser. He was finished by then (though not zipped up), and sitting at a table with a ‘lady’ friend. “oooooooo” they both said as we passed by them. Not sure whether we were impressive in some way (I had actually combed my hair before going out, so, you know, looking pretty sharp), or just old and silly looking, or maybe it was our tiny halfs… whatever, we were amusing to them. Happy to be of service.

They were very VERY drunk, considering it was only about 5pm, and fairly loud. And apparently Russian; she kept calling him ‘durak’ (fool) which seemed to fit. They continued the practice of commenting on everyone who passed by; we were just waiting for them to call out to some hard man/wide boy who was as drunk as they were and then watch the fun! But everyone seemed able to just ignore them.

He attempted to take a sip from one of the several empty glasses on their table, found that it WAS empty, and heaved it into his puddle of piss. Crash! went the glass, Turn! went everybody’s heads, Oi, mate! went the man at the next table (why the glass crashing was oi-worthy but the pissing wasn’t, I don’t know, might be a cultural thing; I DO see a lot of pee-puddles against flat walls in London – is that something y’all just do?), Sorry, sorry! went the lady-friend.

But that still left our hero without the drink he’d been seeking. So his wavering grasp sought out another of the glasses. Also empty. Also crashed into the corner. A third followed. By this time, Mr Tater and I were wondering why no one from inside had come out to investigate. And right on cue – tiny barmaid comes storming out:

Tiny Barmaid: Oi, you – clear off.

Drunken Russian: Eh?

TB: You’re breaking everything up, get off these premises.

DR: Eh?

TB: Are you refusing to leave?

DR: Eh?

TB whips out cellphone and begins punching numbers. This is looking like turning into the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

She talks, describing him into the phone, they sit and grin and smoke. With perfect timing, he gets up and walks off about 30 seconds before the police zoom up with lights a’flashing (but no siren). It’s kind of all anti-climax from there, the cops talk to lady friend, tell her to get out and don’t come back, everything quiets down.

Then I got my ass kicked.

On my birthday.

In a pub.

In London.


Well, not really. Someone sitting on the table behind us got up or sat down, either way, banged my butt with his foot as he transitioned over his bench. He apologized, I said no problem, and it was a total non-issue, but I’m keeping the memory as “I got my ass kicked”.

And then it was on to Pub #2. And 3 and 4 and I lost count after a while.

Here are some of the things we saw:

Then back to sleeping next to the toilet; tomorrow is another day.

****UPDATED to add: this was my 100th post. Good lord, I do go on.

7 thoughts on “Off On A Fabulous Birthday Vacation, Part 3

    1. datatater Post author

      Later, on our way out, I noticed that the entire pub was covered in signs like that…B is for Beer, etc. If I hadn’t been so wobbly by that point I would have captured them all and saved them up!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. hirundine608

    Nice post …

    Yet, Paddington is not exactly where I would choose to spend a birthday. … Yeah I know, it was convenient. Paddington was, when I lived there, full of over-priced establishments and immigrants.

    Not being too sniffy about it. In Paddington, drunks and pissing is about par for the course. In my memory. John Smith’s is nice … pretty good actually. Yet, I would have chosen the IPA on tap. Or draft Guinness. Or even draft Cider if stocked? What you call the “egg”. Is actually the Gherkin and it stands next to the Can of Ham.

    I expect you’re off to better parts now? Have a lovely vacation. It’s likely the best time of year to be visiting? Especially for Taureans. Cheers Jamie.


    1. datatater Post author

      I’m not a big IPA fan, too hoppy for me. And while I lone a Guinness, I’m noticing a trend to serve it ‘extra cold’ everywhere. What is THAT about? I prefer it, not warm exactly, but not cold, certainly. No other exotic climes…back home for some lazing around in the garden. Thanks for stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. alba10

    Happy birthday DT 🙂 you sound like you’ve been having Fun!
    (It was my birthday on Sunday but I didn’t get whisked away anywhere exotic. Mind you my husband DID wash the living room carpet for me!)



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