I Am What I Believe I Am

So for my Meditation Experience about Becoming What I Believe – I’m supposed to make a list of the labels that I or other people put on me; then think about what they mean to me, do I see them as positive or negative, and what they make me believe about myself.

Well, THIS could either be very interesting or end in tears. Or both. Let’s see what happens, shall we?

Late middle aged – well, this isn’t good; youth is where it’s at, nobody cares about my demographic; “they” are making the print on things smaller and smaller; “they” are making clothes that don’t fit me anymore, even when they’re in my size. I certainly don’t FEEL “late middle aged”, I still feel about 17 on the inside – makes for a hell of a shock when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror unawares – A. is that my GRANDMOTHER? followed rapidly by B. fucking fuck how did I get so old? So overall, I guess this one is a big negative for me, and makes me believe that I have to stay in this horrible job because I’m too old to get another one.

White – oh jeez, this isn’t good – how do I feel about being white? (or beige, I guess, with both grey and pink tones). I don’t know; I am what I am, and I guess I feel lucky to be white in this day and age; and man, it makes me feel very creepy inside to say that. I wish I’d left this one out.

Woman – another tough one – I think I’m lucky to be a woman in that I would hate to have to spend every Monday morning talking about sports; on the other hand, maybe if I weren’t a woman I wouldn’t hate having to listen to hours of stupid mindless sport talk every Monday morning; Oh dear – I suppose that was wrong. I’m sure there ARE men who don’t do that and women who do, I just don’t know any, wasn’t raised around any… it doesn’t fit in my worldview. I’m pretty sure this is going to do me harm here once we start working on how WHAT I believe about the things I identify with affect how I identify MYSELF.

Married – On safer ground here. Married is good; I don’t care whether you’re married to a man, woman, tree, or spirit, and I am defining “married” here not as sign your name, make a speech, witnesses required, but as long-term committed, sharing spoons, not writing your name in books anymore.

American – hmmm… not feeling good about this one. Historically, maybe this is a good thing – democracy, independence, freedom of etc., but lately… not so much. Lately to me, ‘American’ seems to represent rich, middle-aged, white men running rough-shod over the rest of the world, killing and stealing from anyone not like themselves. Umm, ok so NOT just lately. And to be fair, not just ‘American’, but we are kind of the poster child for it.

IT professional – I just fell into this career, I still think of it as a job more than a career. I’m at a kind of  mid-level, non-managerial position, and I’m pretty content with it. I have responsibility for myself, I’m trusted to do my job without a lot of hand-holding, but I’m NOT responsible for anyone else, and I don’t have to make the Big Decisions about policies and procedures. I suppose I’m limiting my possibilities by feeling like this, but honestly, with 2735 days til I retire, I’m not looking to become CIO. (Though SOMEBODY needs to, but that’s a whole other rant that might get me fired, so I’ll shut up.)

Veteran – I know I’m supposed to be proud of this, like I did something for “my country”, but in reality, it was just another job.

Cat-lover – NOW we’re talking. Oh wait. This is a bad thing – “crazy cat lady” isn’t just a stereotype – we DO turn into that, don’t we? Don’t care – I loves me some kitteh!

Blogger – hahahaha – I can call myself that, but I’m just a word-vomiter – there are some REAL bloggers out there who blow me away weekly, if not daily with the amazing things they think, do, and say. I’m astounded and delighted that ANYONE at all reads what I write, and I certainly don’t think I’m going to change the world with anything I say, but I’m enjoying putting it out there.

Meditator – I feel good about this one. It’s good for me, it’s good for the people around me, it’s good for the environment. Well, I’m not sure about that last one, but anything that doesn’t involve creating more crap in the world has to be good, right?

Reader – nose always buried in a book, and have been that way since about the age of 6. The one thing I resent about my job the most is that it takes time away from my reading. My ‘happy place’ is lying on the couch with a cat, a book and Peanut M&Ms. Ahhh, that’s the life. But back to my Reader label… for many years I read the same things – British detectives, grumpy ones, funny ones, absurdist ones, drunken ones, recovering ones; but lately I’ve started branching out. Some things I’ve read lately that were WAY outside my standard comfort zone: Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch and The Secret History and Barbara Kingsolver’s The Poisonwood Bible, to name just a few. I think that’s a good thing and I’m pretty happy with my image of myself as a “Reader”.

Phew – that was a lot… is anyone still reading? This was interesting for me, not sure about for anyone else. I’ll try to be less introspective and get back to the stupid shit I’m famous for tomorrow.

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